Author: Tena Fernandez

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When “Only Joking” Hurts: What Children Learn About Treating Others at Home

By Tena Fernandez

The family is laughing. One child is not. Perhaps a sibling has hidden a school bag, an adult has repeated an embarrassing story, or rough play has continued after someone asked to stop. “We’re only joking,” someone says. The child goes quiet.

It is worth pausing there. What felt playful to one person may have felt frightening or humiliating to another. The question for parents is: what are our everyday interactions teaching children about respect, power and speaking up?

Children learn from many places, including friends, school and online spaces. A child using bullying behaviour does not prove that a parent caused it. Yet home gives us daily opportunities to model a different response, notice harm and help children practise respectful ways of relating.

What counts as bullying? Unwanted aggression, an imbalance of power, and repetition or the likelihood of repetition. A disagreement between children with similar power is different. Mutually enjoyable play is different too. Harmful sibling interactions still need attention, even before we decide what to call them.

Five things children pick up at home

  1. What they see modeled: Insults, mocking gestures or threats can give children examples they may repeat. We can model a repair: “I was frustrated, but that comment was disrespectful. Let me say it differently.”
  2. What receives approval: If a prank earns laughter while the child receiving it is distressed, the attention may encourage repetition. Pause the activity and check on the child: “I can see you’re upset. Let’s stop.”
  3. Pressure to belong: Children may join teasing to stay accepted. A younger child might repeat a nickname; a teenager might forward an embarrassing image. Practise a response such as “I’m not sharing that,” and discuss seeking adult help when speaking up feels unsafe.
  4. Intimidation that gets results: If threats repeatedly get someone a toy, attention or compliance, that strategy may continue. Set a clear limit and teach asking, negotiating and accepting “no.”
  5. Skills that still need support: Difficulty handling frustration or considering someone else’s feelings can contribute to harmful choices. Acknowledge the feeling, stop the harm and teach another response. Being upset does not make bullying inevitable.

When to look more closely

  • The same child is repeatedly targeted
  • Objections are ignored
  • Threats or social influence are used to control
  • Others are recruited to humiliate or exclude
  • The harm is repeatedly dismissed

These are prompts for investigation, not a checklist that defines a child. Ask what happened, how often and whether the other child could safely object.

Check how your own words land

Parents can also check how our own communication is received. Notice if a child asks us to stop, becomes quiet, leaves, later describes embarrassment, or avoids sharing because personal stories become entertainment. These reactions do not prove what a child feels. They give us a reason to ask privately:

For a younger child“Was that fun, uncomfortable or something else?”

For a teenagerOffer space and a private conversation: “How did that feel for you?”

Listen before explaining your intention. If you caused hurt, apologise specifically and change the behaviour: “I hear that it embarrassed you. I’m sorry. I won’t use that joke again.”

If your child is being targeted

A child who freezes or stays quiet still deserves protection. Begin with “Thank you for telling me. You don’t deserve this.” Then help them:

  1. Move towards a safer place or supportive adult when possible.
  2. Practise saying “Stop” if safe.
  3. Tell a trusted adult.
  4. Seek another adult’s help if the first response does not protect them.
  5. Make a safety plan together and check whether it works.

Coordinate with the school where relevant and agree who will act and when you will review safety. Online incidents need adult help with reporting, blocking and safely keeping ordinary messages as evidence. Do not spread harmful content further.

What you can do at home

  • Model respectful words, tone and gestures.
  • Make “stop” meaningful during teasing and play.
  • Listen to the impact before defending intention.
  • Teach practical alternatives such as asking, taking a break and seeking help.
  • Respond consistently, guide repair and check that the harmful behaviour has stopped.

If your child has harmed someone

Stop the behaviour and protect the child affected. Gather information and teach another response. Repair might involve replacing a damaged item or removing a hurtful post. The child affected cannot be required to forgive, meet or become friends. If the pattern persists, seek qualified support.

Choose one ordinary interaction to change. Pause before repeating an embarrassing story. Stop a game when someone wants out. Replace an insult with a respectful disagreement. At the end of the week, ask your child, “What helped you feel heard?”

The story at home can change through the small responses we practise.

“In our home, can someone say ‘That hurts’ and expect to be heard?”

This October, join me on Youtube @Inspired by Tena and Instagram @inspired_by_tena for short conversations about bullying and family communication.

Visit tenafernandez.com for parenting resources

Sources

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Summer Break, Big Feelings: Navigating Tantrums and Screen-Locked Pre-Teens

Summer break is supposed to feel light. No school runs, no homework battles, more time together. But if your house feels a little more chaotic right now, you’re not imagining it. Between the shift out of routine, a recent holiday, and parents juggling either being home full-time or heading back to work after a break, kids are adjusting too and for a lot of them, that adjustment shows up as tantrums, shutdowns, or disappearing into their rooms with a screen.

Here’s what’s actually going on, and what you can do about it.

Why Tantrums Spike in Summer

Structure is regulating, even when kids complain about it. School gives them predictable transitions wake up, eat, learn, play, sleep and when that structure disappears, so does a lot of their sense of control. Add in the emotional whiplash of a holiday (excitement, sugar, family visits, then… nothing), and you get kids whose nervous systems are genuinely dysregulated, not just “acting out.”

A few things that help:

Rebuild a loose routine, not a rigid one. Kids don’t need a school-style schedule in July, but they do need predictable anchors a consistent wake-up window, meals around the same time, a wind-down before bed. Predictability lowers anxiety, and lower anxiety means fewer meltdowns.

Name the transition out loud. A lot of summer tantrums happen at transition points: leaving the pool, turning off a game, ending time with cousins. A simple heads-up (“Five more minutes, then we’re heading out”) gives kids time to emotionally prepare instead of being yanked out of what they’re doing.

Expect regression, especially right after a holiday. Kids often act younger for a few days after a big event or trip. That’s not manipulation it’s their system processing a lot of stimulation at once. Meet it with patience, not punishment, and it usually resolves on its own within a few days.

Validate before you redirect. “You’re really mad we have to leave” lands very differently than “Stop crying, we’re leaving.” Naming the feeling doesn’t mean giving in to the demand, it just tells the child you see them, which is often what de-escalates the tantrum in the first place.

When Pre-Teens Disappear Into Their Rooms and Screens

This one hits differently than tantrums, because it’s quiet. There’s no yelling, no crying — just a closed door and a glowing screen. But it’s just as much a communication issue.

Understand what the screen is actually doing for them. For a lot of pre-teens, screens aren’t just entertainment — they’re where their social world lives right now. Group chats, games with friends, the shows everyone’s talking about. Retreating there isn’t automatically a red flag; it’s often just where connection is happening for them at this age.

Don’t lead with the device, lead with the disconnect. “You’re always on your phone” puts them on the defensive immediately. Try something more specific and less accusatory: “I miss hanging out with you; want to grab a snack and tell me about that show you’re watching?” Curiosity about their world opens doors that criticism closes.

Create low-pressure, side-by-side time. Pre-teens often talk more freely when they’re not being directly faced: in the car, cooking together, on a walk. Direct “so how are you feeling” conversations can feel like interrogations at this age. Shared activity conversations feel safer.

Set boundaries collaboratively, not unilaterally. Instead of announcing screen limits, ask them to help build the plan: “What feels like a fair amount of screen time for summer, and what should we do instead?” Pre-teens are far more likely to respect a boundary they had a hand in shaping.

Watch for withdrawal that goes beyond normal. There’s a difference between a pre-teen who wants privacy and one who seems flat, irritable, or checked out most of the time. If the room-locking comes with a real drop in mood, appetite, or interest in things they used to enjoy, that’s worth a closer, gentler conversation or reaching out for support.

The Common Thread

Both tantrums and screen-locked withdrawal are, underneath it all, kids telling you something without necessarily having the words for it. Younger kids act it out. Pre-teens tend to retreat. Neither is defiance for its own sake — it’s dysregulation and disconnection looking for an outlet.

The good news: the fix for both is smaller than it feels. Predictability, curiosity instead of criticism, and low-pressure connection go a long way, even in the middle of a chaotic summer.

fIf you’re navigating a rough patch with your child this summer and want more personalized support, reach out or check out my YouTube channel for additional resources that will help you navigate this parenting journey 

– Inspired by Tena –

www.tenafernandez.com

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The Behavior Beneath the Behavior

What if the behavior is only the surface and underneath it, something deeper is happening that many parents were never taught to look for?

There is a moment many parents know all too well. You call your child once… twice… maybe even three times. By the fourth time, your frustration is rising. Your child finally responds with attitude, tears, silence, or defiance.

And in that moment, it can feel like the behavior is the problem.

Behavior is often communication before it is simply disobedience.

For many of us, parenting was modeled through control, fear, punishment, and survival. Parents did what they knew. They managed homes, responsibilities, and stress the best way they could and many of them loved their children deeply; but love and understanding are not always the same thing. Today, many parents are realizing something important:

Stopping a behavior does not always teach a child what to do instead.

And that realization changes everything.

The Four Pillars: A · B · C · D

A — Attention

Children behave where they feel unseen.

One of the hardest truths for many parents to accept is that children do not only seek attention when they are “bad.”

Sometimes behavior increases because connection decreases. Children who feel unheard, overlooked, or constantly corrected may begin expressing those feelings through behavior instead of words. Not because they are manipulative, but because children communicate distress behaviorally long before they can communicate it emotionally.

A child who feels consistently seen and emotionally safe responds differently than a child who only receives focused attention during conflict.

B — Boundaries

Structure is not the enemy.

Many parents struggle with finding balance. Some homes become extremely strict, while others become inconsistent because parents are exhausted, overwhelmed, or afraid of being “too hard.” But healthy boundaries are not punishment. They help children understand safety, expectations, accountability, and consistency.

Children actually thrive when they know where the lines are. The shift is moving from “do what I say” to “this is how we function safely, respectfully, and responsibly.”

That shift changes the emotional climate of an entire home.

C — Communication

Children learn from how we speak to them.

Communication is not only about giving instructions. It is about tone, timing, emotional safety, listening, and how children interpret our responses.

Many children are corrected regularly but rarely feel heard. When children do not feel heard, communication breaks down into yelling, defensiveness, withdrawal, dishonesty, or emotional shutdown.

Parents sometimes believe children are “talking back” when, in reality, the child may be attempting to explain, defend themselves, or express frustration in an unhealthy way.

This does not mean disrespect should be tolerated, oh no, it means communication should teach children how to express themselves, not simply silence them.

D — Discipline

What are we actually teaching?

For many people, discipline immediately means punishment. But true discipline is meant to teach, guide, and develop self-control.

Ask the deeper question: “What is my child learning from my response?” A child may stop a behavior quickly because of fear, but fear and understanding are not the same thing.

Children need correction, structure, consistency, emotional safety, guidance, and opportunities to learn differently.

Parents are not being asked to abandon correction. They are being invited to think more deeply about what correction is teaching.

Parenting is more than managing behavior.

Sometimes children are overwhelmed. Sometimes they are dysregulated. Sometimes they are emotionally disconnected. Sometimes they simply have not yet learned the skill we are expecting from them.

And sometimes… parents themselves are exhausted and responding from stress instead of support. That does not make someone a bad parent. It makes them human.

The goal is not simply to raise children who obey when watched. The goal is to raise children who eventually understand themselves, regulate their emotions, communicate effectively, and function responsibly even when no one is watching.

That kind of growth takes more than punishment alone. It takes connection, consistency, reflection, and guidance.

Continue the Conversation

One shift in understanding can begin changing an entire home. Go deeper into Attention, Boundaries, Communication, and Discipline through the ABC’s of Parenting series.

🎥 Watch the YouTube series: youtube.com/@Inspired_by_Tena

📘 Download the free ABC’s of Parenting eBook

💛 Share this with another parent who may need encouragement and support.

— Inspired by Tena —

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The Boundaries You’re Avoiding Are the Reasons Your Child Isn’t Listening

Let me say something that may feel uncomfortable…but necessary: most behavior problems in children are not defiance issues, they are boundary issues.

The truth is it is not always the child’s fault; the child is playing the cards it was dealt. Likewise, it is not the parent’s fault, either; as you are playing the hand you were dealt too. Remember all behaviors, good or bad, are modeled and unless we unlearn them, this is all we know to be true.

“He only listens when I shout.”

A parent sat across from me, exhausted. She said, “I don’t understand…he’s a good child. He just does not listen unless I raise my voice.”

So I asked her one question: “What happens when you give an instruction and he ignores it?”

She paused. Then said, “I repeat it…a few times…then I get louder…then I threaten to take something away.”

That right there? that’s not a listening problem, that’s a boundary that has been trained to move.

Children don’t break boundaries…they study them

Whether you have a 5 year old, a 10 year old, or a teenager your child is constantly asking one question: “is this a real limit or a flexible suggestion?” And they don’t figure that out by what you say. They learn it from what you do repeatedly.

  • If “no” becomes “okay fine” > they learn to push
  • If consequences don’t happen > they learn to wait you out
  • If emotions change your decisions > they learn to escalate

This is not manipulation. This is adaptation.

The Truth Parents Struggle With

Many parents are not struggling because they don’t love their children; they are struggling because they are trying to parent differently from how they were raised. Some parents feels guilty especially when they are busy or tired. Most parents want the connection…but confuse it with permissiveness. This leads to boundaries being negotiated, delayed, emotionally driven or completely avoided and this is when frustration creeps in.

  • “Why is my child so disrespectful?”
  • “Why do they only listen to other people?”
  • “Why do I feel like I’m losing control?”

HARD TRUTH

Boundaries are not punishment. Boundaries are love in structure. Boundaries are safety. Boundaries are clarity.

A child without boundaries is not “free”. That child is confused, anxious, constantly testing to find the edge, because deep down, children feel safest when someone else is holding the line.

THE PATTERN

Another moment I hear on a regular basis…A parent sets a boundary: “Turn off the phone. It’s bedtime.” The child negotiates for more time “Wait…just give me five minutes more”. The parent gives in and says “okay, five minutes more”. Five minutes later, another negotiation, another extension, another delay. The child now realizes that with negotiation boundaries shift..every boundary is negotiable if I push long enough. No discipline is being learned.

Let’s call it out clearly. Some of the biggest mistakes parents are making in boundaries are:

  • Saying “no” but not meaning it
  • Giving multiple warnings instead of taking action
  • Changing consequences based on mood
  • Yelling instead of following through
  • Giving in after a tantrum just to keep the peace

THE HARDEST TRUTH

Every time you move the boundary, your child learns not to respect it.

When boundaries are missing, the child is now leading. However, they are not equipped for that role. Some parents believe that fewer boundaries equals a happier child. What actually happens is the child seems more defiant and begins to test more, disrespect more, listen less and the power struggles becomes more frequent.

WHEN YOU GET IT RIGHT

Not stricter – clearer

When boundaries are clear and consistent:

  • You stop repeating yourself
  • Your child starts taking you seriously
  • Emotional outbursts decrease over time
  • Your home feels calmer
  • Your relationship actually improves

Not because you became stricter…but because you became clearer and more consistent.

STRATEGY

A simple boundary shift you can start today can begin with you:

  • Saying what you mean.
  • Meaning what you say.
  • Following through calmly.

That’s it. Not louder. Not harsher. More consistent.

THE FINAL TRUTH

The one most parents avoid…

If your child doesn’t listen, constantly negotiates, ignores consequences, and pushes limits daily it is not just a behavior issue. It is a boundary system that is not holding.

If this felt a little too accurate…

That’s usually the sign that something needs to shift. You don’t need to become a different parent. You need a clearer strategy.

WORK WITH ME

If you’re tired of repeating yourself, second-guessing your decisions, or feeling like your child is running the home…I help parents rebuild structure, confidence, and calm without shouting or losing connection.

BOOK A COACHING SESSION

SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL

The Truth Behind the Behavior – Real conversations. Practical strategies.

© THE TRUTH BEHIND THE BEHAVIOR

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Curtains for Classroom: The Edges Debate and How Schools, Parents and Teachers Can Build Safe Spaces

The recent decision by administrators at St. Andrew High School for Girls to ban oversized “edges” sparked a nationwide discussion. The school likened the practice to curtains, suggesting that certain hairstyles belong in the home, not the classroom. While some applauded the school for maintaining standards, others argued that such restrictions stifle individuality and unfairly target cultural expressions of beauty and reopened a painful and important national conversation about schools, identity, discipline and fairness. The response in Jamaica was immediate and divided: some praised the school for protecting standards; others argued the rule criminalizes self-expression and risks disproportionately targeting girls and cultural styles. The Ministry of Education’s public stance, that no child should be sent home over hairstyle or clothing, made the debate more volatile, leaving schools, parents and students unsure where authority and compassion meet.  It left many schools feeling powerless to enforce policies while students and parents grew uncertain about where the line should be drawn.

This debate is not, however, unique to Jamaica. Around the world, schools wrestle with how to balance student self-expression with the need for order, discipline, and academic focus. The Ministry of Education’s prior directive, that no child should be barred from school due to hairstyle or clothing, added further tension. 

Why Does This Happen
Adolescence is a period of identity formation. Fashion, hairstyles, and even viral trends often become symbols of belonging and self-confidence. For some students, “edges” are more than a hairstyle they represent pride, creativity, and cultural identity. Yet, schools also serve as institutions that prepare students for structured environments. Employers, universities, and professional spaces all have expectations, and discipline in school often mirrors those realities.

At the same time, inconsistency in adult modeling creates mixed messages. When teachers come to school in tight clothing, brightly colored hairstyles, or even their own styled “edges,” students question the fairness of restrictions placed on them. If adults are not modeling professionalism, can we truly expect children to take these rules seriously

Moving Toward Solutions
Instead of choosing sides, we must move toward solutions that acknowledge both the need for student expression and the authority of schools. Some strategies include:

  1. Parenting Webinars and Workshops
    Schools and communities should create safe spaces for parents to learn how to support their children’s identity while respecting school policies. Conversations about balancing freedom with boundaries are essential.
  2. Limited Expression Opportunities
    Schools can designate specific days, events, or allowances where students may express their individuality more freely, such as cultural days or personal style Fridays. This small compromise helps students feel seen without undermining structure.
  3. Teacher Training and Accountability
    Teachers are role models. Professional development should emphasize not only teaching methods but also the importance of modeling appropriate appearance and conduct. If schools demand neatness from students, the same must be reflected in their staff.
  4. Partnership Between Parents and Schools
    Rules should not feel like punishments but agreements. Parents should be encouraged to discuss policies with their children and support schools in maintaining order, while schools should listen to the voices of families and students when setting guidelines.

Creating Safe Spaces
Ultimately, this issue is not about edges alone—it is about the kind of environment we want for our children. A safe space is one where students can grow academically, emotionally, and socially. This requires rules, yes, but also compassion and dialogue. By involving parents, training teachers, and giving students respectful outlets for self-expression, schools can maintain discipline without diminishing identity.

If you are a parent, teacher, school leader, or community organization seeking guidance on how to navigate these complex issues, I can help. Through workshops, PTA sessions, and community conversations, I equip families and educators to build environments where children thrive in both discipline and self-expression. Let us work together to ensure that our schools remain safe spaces for growth and excellence.

The edges debate is about more than hair, it’s about identity, respect, and the messages we pass on to the next generation. If you’re a parent, educator, or organization ready to open up these deeper conversations and empower young people to embrace who they are, I can help. As a Behavioral Specialist and Speaker, I offer workshops, coaching, and training tailored to your needs. Let’s work together to shift mindsets and create lasting impact. Click here to contact me today (www.tenafernandez.com).

Photo Credit: St. Andrew High School for Girls

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Discipline With Heart: 15 Proven Ways to Build Your Child’s Character Without Fear

We all want to raise children who are kind, respectful, and strong inside. But let’s be honest — some days, parenting feels hard. Sometimes we use fear, threats, or harsh words because we just want the bad behavior to stop.

But here’s the truth, short-term fear produces quick obedience. Long-term guidance builds lasting character.

Discipline is not about scaring children into good behavior. It’s about:
Being consistent — so children know what to expect
Being respectful — so they feel valued even when they mess up
Teaching, not controlling — so they learn the right way to act on their own

Research shows: When parents use calm, firm, and loving discipline, children are less likely to:

  • Become aggressive
  • Lie or hide mistakes
  • Struggle with anxiety

And they are more likely to:

  • Trust you
  • Take responsibility
  • Grow into confident, kind adults

When you guide with love and wisdom, you don’t just stop bad behavior. You help your child grow into a confident, caring adult.

Your child doesn’t need perfect parents. Just ones who show up, guide with heart, and never stop trying.

15 Simple Ways to Build Character Through Discipline

1️ Set clear rules children understand

Rules give safety. Be simple and clear.

2️ Explain why the rule matters

Help children understand why we do what’s right.

3️ Stay calm — your calm helps their calm

Children learn to stay steady from you.

4️ Offer choices

This builds confidence and cooperation.

5️ Praise the good

Notice and name when they do well.

6️ Let natural consequences teach

Life teaches powerful lessons. Support it gently.

7️ Be the example

Children copy what they see. Let them see good.

8️ Teach feelings and words

Children with words are less likely to use fists.

9️ Be consistent

Same rules, same response. That builds trust.

10 Use time-in, not just time-out

Sometimes, sitting close works better than sending away.

1️1️ Set simple routines

Routine = security = better behavior.

1️2️ Apologize when you mess up

Show how to say sorry.

1️3️ Teach problem-solving

Ask: “What can you do next time?”

1️4️ Hug more, yell less

Love builds character.

1️5️ Reflect, pray, or talk about values

Show them that God helps and guides too.

What Research Says

UNICEF and American Psychological Association studies confirm:

  • Positive discipline lowers aggression
  • Harsh punishment raises risk of anxiety and defiance
  • Loving guidance creates trust, respect, and strength

Looking for tools, workshops, or support to build character in your kids?
Explore: www.tenafernandez.com

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Their Eyes Are Watching: How Your Passions Shape Your Child’s Future

Every day, their eyes are watching.
Your children see far more than you realize; how you work, how you handle challenges, what excites you, and even what you love doing.

What you are passionate about teaches your child more than any words ever could.

This blog will show you how your passions influence your child’s confidence, learning, and even their success — and how you can use simple, everyday moments to shape their future.

How Your Passion Shapes Your Child’s Future (Simple But Powerful Truths)

Research on parenting and child development keeps showing us one simple fact:

When parents show excitement and commitment to something they enjoy, their children are more likely to feel confident, curious, and motivated to explore their own interests.

For example:

  • A parent who reads regularly often raises a child who loves books.
  • A parent who paints or cooks creatively encourages a child’s imagination.
  • A parent who works hard and speaks positively about their job teaches the value of dedication.
  • A parent who explores new skills shows a child that learning is a lifelong process.

One large family study found that children who saw their parents actively involved in personal interests were:

  • Doing better in school 
  • Showing fewer behavioral problems 
  • Growing stronger self-esteem 
  • Better able to handle challenges emotionally 

Even if you don’t feel like you have big talents or a glamorous job, it’s your energy, your curiosity, and your attitude that your child learns from.

Real Life, Everyday Examples You Can Relate To

  • The farmer who loves working the land teaches patience and respect for nature.
  • The mother who enjoys cooking for family shows care, creativity, and service.
  • The father who volunteers at church or school teaches community and responsibility.
  • The hairdresser who loves making people feel beautiful models confidence and entrepreneurship.

Your children are always learning from how you live.

“But I Don’t Have a Passion!” — Yes, You Do

Some parents worry, “I don’t have any special skills.” But passion isn’t about having a talent — it’s about being willing to try, to enjoy, and to grow.

  • Try baking something new
  •  Plant a few flowers in the yard
  • Take short walks as a family
  • Read a simple story together
  • Watch educational shows and discuss them

The doing is what matters. Even if you fail at something, you’re teaching your child how to keep trying.

How Shared Passion Builds a Stronger Parent-Child Bond

💞 Stronger emotional connection
💞 Open conversations
💞 Mutual respect
💞 Lifelong skills and confidence

When children feel invited into your world, they gain permission to explore theirs safely.

5 Simple Ways To Bring Passion Into Your Home

1️. Talk about your interests — Let them hear you say what you enjoy.

2️. Involve your children — Let them watch or participate.

3️. Try new things together — Small adventures build big confidence.

4️.  Focus on the process — Praise effort, not perfection.

5️.  Support their interests — Show excitement for what excites them.

A Final Word of Encouragement

Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent.  They need to see a parent who lives, loves, learns, and tries. Your passion, even the small ones, are seeds planted in your child’s future.

Want to go deeper? Let’s work together!

If you are a parent, school, church, or organization looking for practical mentorship and focused behavioral issues intervention to help children grow in confidence, purpose, and passion, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

Visit my Mentorship & Coaching Page to learn more.
👉 Schedule Your Call Here
👉 Get More Info Here

Together, we can build confident children — one parent at a time.

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Why Kids Lie: Understanding the Behavior and How to Respond as a Parent

If you’ve ever caught your child lying and felt frustrated, you’re not alone. Whether it’s about homework, broken items, or sneaky behavior, lying in kids is one of the most challenging issues parents face. But here’s the truth most parenting advice skips over:  

Lying is not always defiance. Sometimes, it’s a child’s way of trying to feel safe.

Why Do Children Lie?

Before labeling your child as dishonest, consider what’s behind the lie. Most kids lie to:

  • Avoid punishment or conflict
  • Cover up mistakes they’re embarrassed about
  • Protect themselves from feelings of failure
  • Meet unrealistic expectations or pressure to be perfect

Lying is a coping strategy, especially when children fear that telling the truth might result in anger, disappointment, or shame.

5 Effective Parenting Strategies That Will Help to Stop Kids From Lying

If you want to raise an honest child, the solution isn’t harsher consequences—it’s building a relationship where honesty feels safer than lying.

1. Create a Safe Environment for Truth

React calmly, even when the truth is hard to hear. Children need to know they won’t be shamed or yelled at for being honest. Calm curiosity invites openness.

Say this:
“I know that wasn’t easy to admit. Thank you for telling me.”

2. Praise Honesty More Than Perfection

Acknowledge when your child tells the truth, especially if it’s uncomfortable. Show them that honesty earns your respect.

Say this:
“I really appreciate your honesty, even though it was hard to say.”

3. Work on Solutions Together

Instead of jumping straight to punishment, involve your child in fixing the problem. This teaches accountability and builds trust.

Say this:
“What can we do to make this right?”

4. Set Realistic Expectations

Perfectionism leads to lying. Let your child know that it’s okay to mess up—and that your love and support don’t depend on their performance.

Say this:
“You’re allowed to make mistakes. What matters is that we learn from them.”

5. Model the Behavior You Want

Children learn by watching. Be honest about your own slip-ups and demonstrate how to take responsibility.

Say this:
“I forgot to send that email, and I owned up to it. It wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing.”

When the Truth Became the Safer Choice

One of my clients used to lie to his parent often, especially about schoolwork and breaking things around the house. At first, the lies made his mom feel disrespected. But over time and coaching, she realized he wasn’t trying to deceive—he was scared. Scared of punishment, scared of disappointing, scared of judgments from the adults he loved.

They started praising him when he told the truth, even when it was uncomfortable. It was made clear that while mistakes had consequences, lying had even bigger ones—like broken trust.

Eventually, he began to choose honesty. Not because he was afraid, but because he knew the truth was respected in their relationship.

You Can Encourage Honesty Without Fear

This isn’t about letting things slide. It’s about responding to lying with intention instead of anger. Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent—they need a safe one. One who sees past the behavior and supports them in growing through it.

Want to Stop the Lying and Rebuild Trust at Home?

If you’re exhausted from constant arguments and dishonest behavior, let’s work on this together. I help parents navigate these challenges in a calm, connected, and effective way.

Book a 1-on-1 discovery call with me

Contact Me Today:

Via Email: info.inspiremet@gmail.com

Via Appointment – go to my website: www.tenafernandez.com 

Via Instagram: tenafernandez_inspiremet

Let’s work together to build authentic parents and children. Don’t hesitate to reach out for a consultation or to learn more about my counseling and mentorship services. Your journey toward authenticity begins with a single step. Take that step today!

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Embracing Your Authentic Self as a Parent

Parenting is a journey filled with joys, challenges, and countless moments of self-discovery. In a world where societal expectations and social media highlight reels can create immense pressure, it’s crucial to embrace your authentic self as a parent. Here’s how you can navigate this beautiful, chaotic journey with authenticity.

Embrace Your Imperfections

Perfection is an illusion. As parents, we often set unattainable standards for ourselves, believing that we must have all the answers and never make mistakes. However, it’s important to remember that imperfection is part of being human. Embracing your imperfections allows you to grow and learn alongside your children. It’s okay to admit when you’re wrong and to apologize. This not only sets a powerful example for your kids but also creates a more realistic and compassionate family dynamic.

Model Authenticity for Your Children

Children are incredibly perceptive and often mirror the behaviors and attitudes they observe in their parents. By being your authentic self, you provide a strong foundation for your children to do the same. Share your passions, express your feelings openly, and show vulnerability. For instance, if you love painting but haven’t picked up a brush in years, let your kids see you pursue your hobby. This teaches them the importance of being true to oneself and following their passions.

Balance and Boundaries

Being an authentic parent doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own needs and desires. It’s essential to set boundaries and find a balance between your role as a parent and your personal identity. Take time for self-care, pursue your interests, and maintain friendships. By doing so, you not only recharge yourself but also demonstrate to your children the importance of self-respect and personal well-being.

Share Your Authentic Journey

Every family has its unique story, filled with highs and lows. Sharing these experiences with your children can foster a deep sense of connection and trust. Talk to them about your challenges and how you overcame them, your dreams and how you’re working towards them, and your values and why they matter to you. This open dialogue helps your children understand that it’s okay to be themselves and that life’s journey is about growth, not perfection.

Conclusion

Parenting authentically is about embracing who you are, imperfections and all, and sharing that journey with your children. By modeling authenticity, setting boundaries, and maintaining open communication, you create a nurturing environment where your children can also thrive as their true selves. Remember, the best gift you can give your children is the permission to be themselves, and that starts with you being unapologetically you.

What does being an authentic parent mean to you? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. Let’s support each other in this beautiful journey of parenting with authenticity.

Contact Me Today:

Via Email: info.inspiremet@gmail.com

Via Appointment – go to my website: www.tenafernandez.com 

Via Instagram: tenafernandez_inspiremet

Let’s work together to build authentic parents and children. Don’t hesitate to reach out for a consultation or to learn more about my counseling and mentorship services. Your journey toward authenticity begins with a single step. Take that step today!

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Unleashing the Power Within: The Vital Role of Self-Expression in Adolescent Development

Imagine growing up with a voice that is constantly silenced, emotions that are stifled, and thoughts that are deemed unimportant. For many adults, this was the reality of their adolescence. Today, we have the opportunity to change this narrative for our children. Encouraging self-expression in adolescents is not merely a parenting choice; it is a cornerstone of their development and emotional well-being.

The Echoes of Silence:

Reflect on your own teenage years. How often did you feel unheard or dismissed? The moments when your thoughts and feelings were disregarded may have left lasting impressions – “children must be seen and not heard” – not true. Many adults carry the weight of unspoken words and suppressed emotions from their youth, leading to issues such as low self-esteem, difficulty in forming healthy relationships, and struggles with mental health.

The Power of Self-Expression:

Self-expression is a powerful tool for adolescents. It allows them to explore their identities, understand their emotions, and communicate their needs. When adolescents are encouraged to express themselves, they develop a sense of autonomy and confidence. They learn to trust their inner voice and navigate the complexities of their emotions. This process is crucial for their overall development and mental health.

Consequences of “Muting” Your Children:

Silencing children can have profound and lasting effects. When children are not allowed to express themselves, they may internalize their feelings, leading to anxiety, depression, and a host of other emotional issues. They might struggle with self-worth and feel isolated. This “muting” can hinder their ability to develop strong communication skills and healthy coping mechanisms.

Best Practices for Encouraging Self-Expression:

1. Create a Safe Space:

   Foster an environment where your child feels safe to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Listen actively and validate their emotions.

2. Encourage Creativity:

   Provide opportunities for creative expression through art, music, writing, or any other form that resonates with your child. Creativity is a natural outlet for self-expression.

3. Model Open Communication:

   Lead by example. Share your own thoughts and feelings openly with your children. Show them that it’s okay to be vulnerable and expressive.

4. Respect Their Opinions:

   Even if you disagree, respect your child’s opinions. Engage in open dialogues rather than dismissing their views. This teaches them the value of their voice.

5. Support Their Interests:

   Encourage your child’s hobbies and interests, even if they differ from your own. Supporting their passions validates their individuality and self-worth.

Conclusion:

Allowing adolescents to express themselves is not just about giving them a voice; it’s about nurturing their development and emotional health. The consequences of silencing our children can echo into their adulthood, affecting their self-esteem and relationships. By fostering an environment of open communication and respect, we pave the way for our children to grow into confident, emotionally intelligent adults. Let’s break the cycle of silence and empower our children to speak, feel, and thrive.

Contact Me Today:

Via Email: info.inspiremet@gmail.com

Via Appointment – go to my website: www.tenafernandez.com 

Via Instagram: tenafernandez_inspiremet

Let’s work together to build stronger emotional connections and foster a healthy, supportive atmosphere at home. Don’t hesitate to reach out for a consultation or to learn more about my counseling and mentorship services. Your journey toward emotional intelligence and understanding begins with a single step. Take that step today!