Category: CHILD BEHAVIOR

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When “Only Joking” Hurts: What Children Learn About Treating Others at Home

By Tena Fernandez

The family is laughing. One child is not. Perhaps a sibling has hidden a school bag, an adult has repeated an embarrassing story, or rough play has continued after someone asked to stop. “We’re only joking,” someone says. The child goes quiet.

It is worth pausing there. What felt playful to one person may have felt frightening or humiliating to another. The question for parents is: what are our everyday interactions teaching children about respect, power and speaking up?

Children learn from many places, including friends, school and online spaces. A child using bullying behaviour does not prove that a parent caused it. Yet home gives us daily opportunities to model a different response, notice harm and help children practise respectful ways of relating.

What counts as bullying? Unwanted aggression, an imbalance of power, and repetition or the likelihood of repetition. A disagreement between children with similar power is different. Mutually enjoyable play is different too. Harmful sibling interactions still need attention, even before we decide what to call them.

Five things children pick up at home

  1. What they see modeled: Insults, mocking gestures or threats can give children examples they may repeat. We can model a repair: “I was frustrated, but that comment was disrespectful. Let me say it differently.”
  2. What receives approval: If a prank earns laughter while the child receiving it is distressed, the attention may encourage repetition. Pause the activity and check on the child: “I can see you’re upset. Let’s stop.”
  3. Pressure to belong: Children may join teasing to stay accepted. A younger child might repeat a nickname; a teenager might forward an embarrassing image. Practise a response such as “I’m not sharing that,” and discuss seeking adult help when speaking up feels unsafe.
  4. Intimidation that gets results: If threats repeatedly get someone a toy, attention or compliance, that strategy may continue. Set a clear limit and teach asking, negotiating and accepting “no.”
  5. Skills that still need support: Difficulty handling frustration or considering someone else’s feelings can contribute to harmful choices. Acknowledge the feeling, stop the harm and teach another response. Being upset does not make bullying inevitable.

When to look more closely

  • The same child is repeatedly targeted
  • Objections are ignored
  • Threats or social influence are used to control
  • Others are recruited to humiliate or exclude
  • The harm is repeatedly dismissed

These are prompts for investigation, not a checklist that defines a child. Ask what happened, how often and whether the other child could safely object.

Check how your own words land

Parents can also check how our own communication is received. Notice if a child asks us to stop, becomes quiet, leaves, later describes embarrassment, or avoids sharing because personal stories become entertainment. These reactions do not prove what a child feels. They give us a reason to ask privately:

For a younger child“Was that fun, uncomfortable or something else?”

For a teenagerOffer space and a private conversation: “How did that feel for you?”

Listen before explaining your intention. If you caused hurt, apologise specifically and change the behaviour: “I hear that it embarrassed you. I’m sorry. I won’t use that joke again.”

If your child is being targeted

A child who freezes or stays quiet still deserves protection. Begin with “Thank you for telling me. You don’t deserve this.” Then help them:

  1. Move towards a safer place or supportive adult when possible.
  2. Practise saying “Stop” if safe.
  3. Tell a trusted adult.
  4. Seek another adult’s help if the first response does not protect them.
  5. Make a safety plan together and check whether it works.

Coordinate with the school where relevant and agree who will act and when you will review safety. Online incidents need adult help with reporting, blocking and safely keeping ordinary messages as evidence. Do not spread harmful content further.

What you can do at home

  • Model respectful words, tone and gestures.
  • Make “stop” meaningful during teasing and play.
  • Listen to the impact before defending intention.
  • Teach practical alternatives such as asking, taking a break and seeking help.
  • Respond consistently, guide repair and check that the harmful behaviour has stopped.

If your child has harmed someone

Stop the behaviour and protect the child affected. Gather information and teach another response. Repair might involve replacing a damaged item or removing a hurtful post. The child affected cannot be required to forgive, meet or become friends. If the pattern persists, seek qualified support.

Choose one ordinary interaction to change. Pause before repeating an embarrassing story. Stop a game when someone wants out. Replace an insult with a respectful disagreement. At the end of the week, ask your child, “What helped you feel heard?”

The story at home can change through the small responses we practise.

“In our home, can someone say ‘That hurts’ and expect to be heard?”

This October, join me on Youtube @Inspired by Tena and Instagram @inspired_by_tena for short conversations about bullying and family communication.

Visit tenafernandez.com for parenting resources

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Summer Break, Big Feelings: Navigating Tantrums and Screen-Locked Pre-Teens

Summer break is supposed to feel light. No school runs, no homework battles, more time together. But if your house feels a little more chaotic right now, you’re not imagining it. Between the shift out of routine, a recent holiday, and parents juggling either being home full-time or heading back to work after a break, kids are adjusting too and for a lot of them, that adjustment shows up as tantrums, shutdowns, or disappearing into their rooms with a screen.

Here’s what’s actually going on, and what you can do about it.

Why Tantrums Spike in Summer

Structure is regulating, even when kids complain about it. School gives them predictable transitions wake up, eat, learn, play, sleep and when that structure disappears, so does a lot of their sense of control. Add in the emotional whiplash of a holiday (excitement, sugar, family visits, then… nothing), and you get kids whose nervous systems are genuinely dysregulated, not just “acting out.”

A few things that help:

Rebuild a loose routine, not a rigid one. Kids don’t need a school-style schedule in July, but they do need predictable anchors a consistent wake-up window, meals around the same time, a wind-down before bed. Predictability lowers anxiety, and lower anxiety means fewer meltdowns.

Name the transition out loud. A lot of summer tantrums happen at transition points: leaving the pool, turning off a game, ending time with cousins. A simple heads-up (“Five more minutes, then we’re heading out”) gives kids time to emotionally prepare instead of being yanked out of what they’re doing.

Expect regression, especially right after a holiday. Kids often act younger for a few days after a big event or trip. That’s not manipulation it’s their system processing a lot of stimulation at once. Meet it with patience, not punishment, and it usually resolves on its own within a few days.

Validate before you redirect. “You’re really mad we have to leave” lands very differently than “Stop crying, we’re leaving.” Naming the feeling doesn’t mean giving in to the demand, it just tells the child you see them, which is often what de-escalates the tantrum in the first place.

When Pre-Teens Disappear Into Their Rooms and Screens

This one hits differently than tantrums, because it’s quiet. There’s no yelling, no crying — just a closed door and a glowing screen. But it’s just as much a communication issue.

Understand what the screen is actually doing for them. For a lot of pre-teens, screens aren’t just entertainment — they’re where their social world lives right now. Group chats, games with friends, the shows everyone’s talking about. Retreating there isn’t automatically a red flag; it’s often just where connection is happening for them at this age.

Don’t lead with the device, lead with the disconnect. “You’re always on your phone” puts them on the defensive immediately. Try something more specific and less accusatory: “I miss hanging out with you; want to grab a snack and tell me about that show you’re watching?” Curiosity about their world opens doors that criticism closes.

Create low-pressure, side-by-side time. Pre-teens often talk more freely when they’re not being directly faced: in the car, cooking together, on a walk. Direct “so how are you feeling” conversations can feel like interrogations at this age. Shared activity conversations feel safer.

Set boundaries collaboratively, not unilaterally. Instead of announcing screen limits, ask them to help build the plan: “What feels like a fair amount of screen time for summer, and what should we do instead?” Pre-teens are far more likely to respect a boundary they had a hand in shaping.

Watch for withdrawal that goes beyond normal. There’s a difference between a pre-teen who wants privacy and one who seems flat, irritable, or checked out most of the time. If the room-locking comes with a real drop in mood, appetite, or interest in things they used to enjoy, that’s worth a closer, gentler conversation or reaching out for support.

The Common Thread

Both tantrums and screen-locked withdrawal are, underneath it all, kids telling you something without necessarily having the words for it. Younger kids act it out. Pre-teens tend to retreat. Neither is defiance for its own sake — it’s dysregulation and disconnection looking for an outlet.

The good news: the fix for both is smaller than it feels. Predictability, curiosity instead of criticism, and low-pressure connection go a long way, even in the middle of a chaotic summer.

fIf you’re navigating a rough patch with your child this summer and want more personalized support, reach out or check out my YouTube channel for additional resources that will help you navigate this parenting journey 

– Inspired by Tena –

www.tenafernandez.com

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The Behavior Beneath the Behavior

What if the behavior is only the surface and underneath it, something deeper is happening that many parents were never taught to look for?

There is a moment many parents know all too well. You call your child once… twice… maybe even three times. By the fourth time, your frustration is rising. Your child finally responds with attitude, tears, silence, or defiance.

And in that moment, it can feel like the behavior is the problem.

Behavior is often communication before it is simply disobedience.

For many of us, parenting was modeled through control, fear, punishment, and survival. Parents did what they knew. They managed homes, responsibilities, and stress the best way they could and many of them loved their children deeply; but love and understanding are not always the same thing. Today, many parents are realizing something important:

Stopping a behavior does not always teach a child what to do instead.

And that realization changes everything.

The Four Pillars: A · B · C · D

A — Attention

Children behave where they feel unseen.

One of the hardest truths for many parents to accept is that children do not only seek attention when they are “bad.”

Sometimes behavior increases because connection decreases. Children who feel unheard, overlooked, or constantly corrected may begin expressing those feelings through behavior instead of words. Not because they are manipulative, but because children communicate distress behaviorally long before they can communicate it emotionally.

A child who feels consistently seen and emotionally safe responds differently than a child who only receives focused attention during conflict.

B — Boundaries

Structure is not the enemy.

Many parents struggle with finding balance. Some homes become extremely strict, while others become inconsistent because parents are exhausted, overwhelmed, or afraid of being “too hard.” But healthy boundaries are not punishment. They help children understand safety, expectations, accountability, and consistency.

Children actually thrive when they know where the lines are. The shift is moving from “do what I say” to “this is how we function safely, respectfully, and responsibly.”

That shift changes the emotional climate of an entire home.

C — Communication

Children learn from how we speak to them.

Communication is not only about giving instructions. It is about tone, timing, emotional safety, listening, and how children interpret our responses.

Many children are corrected regularly but rarely feel heard. When children do not feel heard, communication breaks down into yelling, defensiveness, withdrawal, dishonesty, or emotional shutdown.

Parents sometimes believe children are “talking back” when, in reality, the child may be attempting to explain, defend themselves, or express frustration in an unhealthy way.

This does not mean disrespect should be tolerated, oh no, it means communication should teach children how to express themselves, not simply silence them.

D — Discipline

What are we actually teaching?

For many people, discipline immediately means punishment. But true discipline is meant to teach, guide, and develop self-control.

Ask the deeper question: “What is my child learning from my response?” A child may stop a behavior quickly because of fear, but fear and understanding are not the same thing.

Children need correction, structure, consistency, emotional safety, guidance, and opportunities to learn differently.

Parents are not being asked to abandon correction. They are being invited to think more deeply about what correction is teaching.

Parenting is more than managing behavior.

Sometimes children are overwhelmed. Sometimes they are dysregulated. Sometimes they are emotionally disconnected. Sometimes they simply have not yet learned the skill we are expecting from them.

And sometimes… parents themselves are exhausted and responding from stress instead of support. That does not make someone a bad parent. It makes them human.

The goal is not simply to raise children who obey when watched. The goal is to raise children who eventually understand themselves, regulate their emotions, communicate effectively, and function responsibly even when no one is watching.

That kind of growth takes more than punishment alone. It takes connection, consistency, reflection, and guidance.

Continue the Conversation

One shift in understanding can begin changing an entire home. Go deeper into Attention, Boundaries, Communication, and Discipline through the ABC’s of Parenting series.

🎥 Watch the YouTube series: youtube.com/@Inspired_by_Tena

📘 Download the free ABC’s of Parenting eBook

💛 Share this with another parent who may need encouragement and support.

— Inspired by Tena —

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The Boundaries You’re Avoiding Are the Reasons Your Child Isn’t Listening

Let me say something that may feel uncomfortable…but necessary: most behavior problems in children are not defiance issues, they are boundary issues.

The truth is it is not always the child’s fault; the child is playing the cards it was dealt. Likewise, it is not the parent’s fault, either; as you are playing the hand you were dealt too. Remember all behaviors, good or bad, are modeled and unless we unlearn them, this is all we know to be true.

“He only listens when I shout.”

A parent sat across from me, exhausted. She said, “I don’t understand…he’s a good child. He just does not listen unless I raise my voice.”

So I asked her one question: “What happens when you give an instruction and he ignores it?”

She paused. Then said, “I repeat it…a few times…then I get louder…then I threaten to take something away.”

That right there? that’s not a listening problem, that’s a boundary that has been trained to move.

Children don’t break boundaries…they study them

Whether you have a 5 year old, a 10 year old, or a teenager your child is constantly asking one question: “is this a real limit or a flexible suggestion?” And they don’t figure that out by what you say. They learn it from what you do repeatedly.

  • If “no” becomes “okay fine” > they learn to push
  • If consequences don’t happen > they learn to wait you out
  • If emotions change your decisions > they learn to escalate

This is not manipulation. This is adaptation.

The Truth Parents Struggle With

Many parents are not struggling because they don’t love their children; they are struggling because they are trying to parent differently from how they were raised. Some parents feels guilty especially when they are busy or tired. Most parents want the connection…but confuse it with permissiveness. This leads to boundaries being negotiated, delayed, emotionally driven or completely avoided and this is when frustration creeps in.

  • “Why is my child so disrespectful?”
  • “Why do they only listen to other people?”
  • “Why do I feel like I’m losing control?”

HARD TRUTH

Boundaries are not punishment. Boundaries are love in structure. Boundaries are safety. Boundaries are clarity.

A child without boundaries is not “free”. That child is confused, anxious, constantly testing to find the edge, because deep down, children feel safest when someone else is holding the line.

THE PATTERN

Another moment I hear on a regular basis…A parent sets a boundary: “Turn off the phone. It’s bedtime.” The child negotiates for more time “Wait…just give me five minutes more”. The parent gives in and says “okay, five minutes more”. Five minutes later, another negotiation, another extension, another delay. The child now realizes that with negotiation boundaries shift..every boundary is negotiable if I push long enough. No discipline is being learned.

Let’s call it out clearly. Some of the biggest mistakes parents are making in boundaries are:

  • Saying “no” but not meaning it
  • Giving multiple warnings instead of taking action
  • Changing consequences based on mood
  • Yelling instead of following through
  • Giving in after a tantrum just to keep the peace

THE HARDEST TRUTH

Every time you move the boundary, your child learns not to respect it.

When boundaries are missing, the child is now leading. However, they are not equipped for that role. Some parents believe that fewer boundaries equals a happier child. What actually happens is the child seems more defiant and begins to test more, disrespect more, listen less and the power struggles becomes more frequent.

WHEN YOU GET IT RIGHT

Not stricter – clearer

When boundaries are clear and consistent:

  • You stop repeating yourself
  • Your child starts taking you seriously
  • Emotional outbursts decrease over time
  • Your home feels calmer
  • Your relationship actually improves

Not because you became stricter…but because you became clearer and more consistent.

STRATEGY

A simple boundary shift you can start today can begin with you:

  • Saying what you mean.
  • Meaning what you say.
  • Following through calmly.

That’s it. Not louder. Not harsher. More consistent.

THE FINAL TRUTH

The one most parents avoid…

If your child doesn’t listen, constantly negotiates, ignores consequences, and pushes limits daily it is not just a behavior issue. It is a boundary system that is not holding.

If this felt a little too accurate…

That’s usually the sign that something needs to shift. You don’t need to become a different parent. You need a clearer strategy.

WORK WITH ME

If you’re tired of repeating yourself, second-guessing your decisions, or feeling like your child is running the home…I help parents rebuild structure, confidence, and calm without shouting or losing connection.

BOOK A COACHING SESSION

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